I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
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I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?