[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
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My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
How can I say no to this ?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?