Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
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*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Vodka burrito was a success
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means