Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
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nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Overindulged this afternoon.
i love meeting boys on tinder
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
“I’m helping” 😅
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
This is my brand.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.