It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
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Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Someone just threatened to call me later
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Wait a minute
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes