The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
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Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.