For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
You Might Also Like
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
The Compass
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.