All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
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Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour