A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
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when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
2022 will be better than 2021
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”