[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
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you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money