(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
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Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it