[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
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Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs