Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
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This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Bike is short for Bichael.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?