[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
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“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.