Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
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Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.