It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
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Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.