The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
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well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna