Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
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My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.