It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
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It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.