Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
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I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..