I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
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[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
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well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
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*does steroids*
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“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’