During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
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lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.