Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
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most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
My flabber has been gasted.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?