You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
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[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
“The Perfect Relationship”
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.