Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
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I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.