Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
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I am yelling
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
cat faces on other animals, a thread