If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
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I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.