*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
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how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi