I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
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*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.