Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
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I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.