I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
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My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
This January has 47 Mondays
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶