Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
You Might Also Like
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.