I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
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Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Finally! 😈
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Alexa: *deep breath*
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.