me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
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I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.