I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
You Might Also Like
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
This kid will have a bright future.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
“What movie?” 🤔
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.