Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
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What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
*updates tinder bio*
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
another case of gang violins
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”