Vodka burrito was a success
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream