I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
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(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.