A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
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God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!