You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
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Facebook memories be like
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Where is your GOD now????
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Chemical wingman
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.