Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
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“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
was Jim off killing horses or…
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.