Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
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The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.