I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
You Might Also Like
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Y’all ready for this
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I think I’ll stand
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.