Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
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The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.