Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
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When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you