Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
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The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something