AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
You Might Also Like
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
moms in horror movies
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you