*ernest hemingway voice*
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If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
welp
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are