At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
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Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.