Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
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Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
This was a bad idea all around
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”